I told him that he had known what he had to do. All the course requirements were detailed in the syllabus. I reminded him that everyone had received an “A” that first day of class and had been told exactly what they had to do to keep it. I asked him if he remembered both the many times he and others in the class heard me reiterate those responsibilities and our eyeball-to-eyeball talks. Parts of our conversation went something like this:

I finally asked him the seminal question, “If you knew what it would take not to get suspended for a second time, why didn’t you do it?”

      Out poured the excuses, explanations, and rationales: he had to work a lot of weird hours; his boss didn’t understand; his roommates wouldn’t pay for a computer hookup; it was inconvenient to work on projects; his community members weren’t understanding and cooperative; “you taught in a way I wasn’t used to;” his parents financially cut him off when he was first suspended; he had to focus on another subject to make up work; his residence was flooded out; his computer was ‘messed up;’ his roommates never studied; he couldn’t say “no” when his friends wanted to party; and on and on and on it went.

      I parried the thrust of each excuse. We talked some more. Finally, I quietly, patiently, but firmly, explained, “You’re a ‘blame addict.’ You’re using everyone and everything in the book as an excuse for failure. Pull that blame stuff for not doing your job on the job and you’re out of a job. Nothing is going to change until you kick that habit. Until you start taking responsibility for your own choices, you’ll ask everyone else to change; but, you won’t see the need to change your ways…If I changed your grade just to help stay in college, I’d be feeding your habit. So, what good would I be to you?”

      “….and I thought you were such a great teacher,” he ended a plea with an attempt to massage my ego.

      Thinking of Monica, I replied. “What you need is not a great teacher–or even a poor one–who does something to you.”

 

      “And what do I need?” he asked with an obviously mixed tone of curiosity, defiance, innocence, unawareness, and sarcasm.

      “….You need you! You need to believe what you’re capable of doing, trust yourself that you can, have pride in yourself and everything you have to do, be unconditionally dedicated to going after nothing less than excellence, have faith in yourself, be invested in what’s going on and what you’re after, be committed to that investment with unexcused persistence, be focused and to do what you know you ought to do to get things done, and then just do it.”

      After I listed all of his errant ways in class, he said, “I guess I made some mistakes. Life sure slapped me in the face.”

     “There’s that blame again. First it was community members, roommates, bosses, me, floods, computers, friends, and parents. And now, it’s life. Where are you in all of this? Face it and face up to it! You were slapping yourself in your own face, and that was your choice. You chose to let these supposed slaps stop you dead in your tracks. You won’t understand this now, but you may later on: a mistake is just a disguised chance to learn, grow, and change. Sometimes it takes a hard lesson to see that. Trust me, I know. I’ve been there when I was your age…You always have a chance to make new choices. Here’s your chance to look at yourself in the mirror and ask some hard questions of yourself. But, remember it’s not just the questions you ask. Those are words. And, it’s not even the answers you come up with, however honest and uncomfortable they may be. Those, too, are only words. To break that habit of blaming, you’ve got to live the words. You’ve got to make the answers become a value system that guides everything you feel, think, and do every day. But, it’s got to be sincere rather than a mere gimmick. Otherwise, it will be so easy to fall off the wagon at the slightest bump in the road….”

     “….Well, what’s the trick to doing that?”

     “Getting help. I’m willing to help you help yourself. That’s what my teaching is all about. But, again, you’ve got to be willing. Understand that doing it isn’t a card trick; you don’t pull anything out of a hat; it isn’t a wand you merely wave; it isn’t an ‘on’ switch you just throw. ‘Easy’ is not part of the rules of the game. It’s an attitude you slowly acquire by slogging through your ‘stuff.’ It’s finding the strength to live the ‘Words For The Day’ I once wrote on the whiteboard: ‘If you want to do it, it can be done; and, if it can be done, do whatever it takes for however long it takes to do it.’ Call it a self-respect that won’t let you do to yourself what you’ve been doing. There is no quick and easy way to do that….Like coming off any habit, you just have to go through the agonizing pains of withdrawal. But, and it’s a big ‘but,’ you’ve got to want to become ‘clean’….”

     “….You said that you didn’t believe in grades. So, changing my grade shouldn’t mean all that much to you.”

     “….I don’t believe in the value of grades. However, I do believe in values. But, you didn’t make the grade when it came to such values of self-respect, responsibility, dedication, commitment, team work, integrity, honesty, and the pursuit of excellence that you need to apply if you want to achieve anything. It’s easy to do something that’s easy, something that you like to do, and something you want to do; the real test of your mettle is doing something when you don’t want to do it or like doing it, but do it anyway and give it all you’ve got. That’s why ‘hard’ is one of the rules and ‘easy’ is not. You once told me you like to work out. Well, so do I. But, staying in shape is called a ‘work out.'” Why? Because neither you nor I can just say, ‘Poof, we’re in shape.’ We’ve got to work at working out and be dedicated to a regimen of working at working out. It takes time, energy, effort, sweat, inconvenience, discomfort, and an ache or two. It’s no different with anything else in life: sports, job, relationships, academics, everything. There….is….no….gain….without….pain!”

     “…..Well, I’ve learned my lesson. Really. If you let me into your class again, I’ll bust my ass.”

     “How are you going to get into my class again?”

     “You have to change my grade….”

     “….I haven’t heard one ‘amen’ coming from you. Every one of your ‘I know’ has a tone of ‘stop lecturing me and just do as I ask.’ I won’t. I’ll say it one last time. Just because you’re hooked on blame doesn’t mean you have to stay hooked. You can change direction any time and any way you choose to. You should have figured out by now that your choices have consequences. If and when you want to find and find a way to change your choices, the consequences will be different.”

     “I heard you, but it’ll be easier for me if you do me a favor of changing my grade. What you’re asking is hard.”

 

     “But, not impossible! ….I’m not here to make it ‘easier’ or to do ‘a favor.’ You won’t have a chance of breaking your blame habit and becoming a responsible believer if I was to change your grade. No, I won’t change your grade. I can’t. ‘I’ won’t let me.”

     I’m sure he didn’t or didn’t want to understand because for almost another hour we kept going over and over and over the same ground as he vainly tried to get me to give in. Finally, with a sigh and a shake of my head, I ended the conversation. I clicked off my cell phone, opened the backdoor, and strolled out into my garden for a life rejuvenating conversation with my flowers.

Louis