Diary, tonight, Wednesday, May 26, I’m diving deep, real deep, spiritually and emotionally deep, so deep most people can’t or won’t dive there with me. A few mornings ago I cut out a Buddhist saying from the “approved” English language newspaper, China Daily, of all places. Buddhism is one of the five “permitted” religions–no 1st amendment here– in what so many Americans think is atheistic, communist China! How about that! Talk about attacking stereotypes! Anyway, it said, “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” That got me to thinking about some “I can’t” and “I’m not” self-depreciating stuff I had heard a few students talking about as I inadvertently eased dropped while passing an open hallway door. It reminded me of many a “It’s not me,” “I couldn’t do that,” or “I’m not” negatives that I’ve heard many an academic utter and stutter.
In our Judaeo-Christian tradition, like in Buddhism, we are taught the “do unto others” golden rule, the last part of which tells us just what it is we are to do unto. We are told that the ultimate way to treat others is to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. As we love ourselves!! But, we are taught to so focus on the “neighbor” stuff that we so ignore the “ourselves” stuff. In fact, the “ourselves” stuff makes so many of us uncomfortable when we do that for ourselves or see others doing it for themselves. And if we do, we often come under attack. We’re told that to talk about ourselves is egotistical in the worse kind of way: impertinent, arrogant, self-righteousness, haughty, and so on. In the halls of ivy, we’re made to think, as someone once told me, that personal reflection and recognizing a need for personal or professional change is a sign of incompetence and weakness. We, especially academics, are convinced We’ve got it, we’ve made it, we’ve arrived, or, even worse, there is nothing we need do about our situation. Grammatically, we embody “living periods” and “living exclamation points.” And so, many of us don’t step back and think of ourselves. We fail the test of courage to become “living question marks,” to stare at what are uncomfortable, maybe painful, thoughts and feelings. And, it often creates something of an emotional and intellectual laziness, even a feebleness, and a lot of defensive anxiety.
Yet, that golden rule of love is an I/you communal, holistic concept of serious obligation based on the mutual respect and equality of ourselves and others. It says we have to turn inward if we are to do the right things outward. Of course, it’s easier and safer to see faults in others than in ourselves; it’s safer to blame than to assume responsibility. I mean, diary, if we don’t love ourselves, how can we love others? If we don’t truly love what we’re doing, how can love doing it to and with others? We can’t give what we don’t have to give. We can’t understand others when we don’t understand ourselves. We can’t tell others to be authentic when we hide behind masks, costumes, titles, and positions. Yet, we don’t often think about the way we talk to and treat ourselves. Lots of us don’t’ like that kind of reflective and meditative self-conversation. It requires demanding and challenging honesty and authenticity. It’s downright risky.
Diary, I understand all this. Not just because of having been a target of these assaults as I travel on my inner journey, but I can tell you vividly before my epiphany about the time, effort, and energy it takes to build and maintain walls. I can tell you that walls you think hide and protect really imprison and enslave. Bastions that make you think make you feel safe and at ease actually create an insecure and uneasy siege mentality. I also can tell you how scary it is when you realize how you’ve held yourself captive. I can tell you what it takes to break down those walls. At the same time, I’ll tell you what I also discovered: life and the level at which I live is a matter of choice; I choose how to feel, think about, and react to anything that comes my way; I will find peace not by trying to escape my problems, but by confronting them courageously; I will find peace not in denial, but in acknowledging. It’s true, the truth does make you calm and free. Authenticity takes away the strain to hide and the pressure to keep the doors closed and to maintain fronts. Honesty allows me to devote my time and energy to productive ends. Openness allows me to live a life of integrity. Inner strength is the true protective armor against the slings and arrows hurled at me.
So, if we follow the biblical directive, loving ourselves opens us to ourselves and others; being self-righteous means we feel we are worthy. As we learn to have compassion for ourselves, the circle of compassion for others becomes larger. Ego is bad only if goes, like anything else, to the extreme, and disconnects and closes us off from ourselves and others. There is good ego. I mean that nurturing of our self-esteem and self-confidence, as well as our sense of self-meaning and purpose, is part of how we express ourselves; it is how we get to the point that our purpose is to help nurture ourselves so that we can help others nurture themselves. I mean with someone we don’t know well or at all, we are careful to control the way we look at, much less see, them, the way we speak to or around them, and to really hear, much less listen to, what they are saying. And, that someone can be ourselves.
Through private and public sharing self-talk, through a “what do you want to know about me” exercise at the beginning of each semester in class with the students, I find it easier to be authentic, to be honest, to connect, to see, to listen to, to speak with, and to express genuine love, empathy, and compassion for others. We often feel that we don’t “deserve” to nurture ourselves; we’re afraid to reflect; and, we depreciate self-talk. So, it’s understandable that we would have challenges talking to students like they’re someone we love when we have challenges talking honestly to ourselves like we’re someone we love. But, as Ghandi said, if we want change, we should start with ourselves; we should become the value we wish to have; we should become the positive difference we’d like to see in the world. We humans are great, he said, not because we can remake the world, but because we can remake ourselves. As we can do that openly, we model for the students and give permission to them to do the same. What Buddha and the golden rule are asking of us is unconditionally engaging, daring, respecting, disciplined, rigorous–and glorious. Told you, diary, I was scuba diving into the spiritual depths tonight.