It was the end of the term a few days ago. On the last day of class, we do closure. We bring in an object that symbolizes the experiencet each of us is taking with us from the class. One of them was not the most glowing closure statement I’ve heard. It fact it was critical. It took me back to a similar one last semester and a later conversation with another student.

“I’m didn’t bring in anything,” Maxine (not her real name) stood up and defiantly proclaimed, “because I didn’t get anything from this class. Schmier didn’t do anything. I don’t think he did his job. He didn’t lecture or give us tests. We had to do all this silly community stuff. We did all the work on all the projects and did all the talking during all the discussions. And he didn’t even cover the entire book. It was all a waste of time.”

Everyone went silent. The smiles disappeared. Forty-one sets of eyes turned towards me. With a sincere celebrating smile, I just said, “Neat. I appreciate that.” Smiles returned, the din arose again, and we continued

After the class was over, an ed major, what you would call a non-traditional student, came over to me and said in my defense. Our conversation went something like this. Again, don’t hold me to every word.

“How could you take that crap? How could you just say, ‘Neat.’ And how could you appreciate what she said.”

“That’s why I meditate before each class.”

“Why?”

“To be prepared.”

“Prepared for what?”

“For whatever comes along.”

“So what do you do with somene like her who doesn’t get it and won’t even give it a chance.

“Listen. See. Understand. Respect. Accept,” I answered.

“And if she gets in your face like what just happened and acts so disrespectfully? Why didn’t you get angry and blow her out of the water? I would have if I was the professor.?

“Why? She wasn’t disrespectful.”

“Where were you. She shamed you in front of the whole class!”

“Really? Think about it. She didn’t do a thing to me. Maybe to herself, but not to me. Whether she intended to or not, she did just opposite. She respected me enough to be openly honest knowing that I wouldn’t blow her out of the water and her grade wouldn’t suffer. She learned more than she knows.”

“Well, I would have cut her off at the knees!”

“Why? If that is how she honestly felt, you want me to hold it against her? Just because she disagreed with me and was honest about it? Besides, I would have cut myself off at the knees in everyone else’s eyes, including my own, as I was doing it.”

“I watched her all semester. She challenged you all along the way. I think she was setting it up to blame you if she didn’t get the grade she wanted.”

“Maybe. Sure, she worked for what I think are the wrong reasons. And yeah, she gave fits to the others in the community and tried to give me fits. But, she worked and contributed and participated, however reluctantly and however begrudgingly.”

“Maybe, I don’t get it.”

And this is what I told Matt. “Look, when you become a teacher remember this: be ready for a student to reject you, but don’t ever take it personally and feel rejected. You….accept….each….student, the whole student, the good and the bad, unconditionally, no strings, not just a piece. Never….never….never, for any reason, under any circumstances, regardless of what a student says or does, should you reject a single student, and never, never, never treat that student as a reject! If a student screws up, don’t ever see him or her as a screw-up. Even if the student receives a failing grade for something, never look at that student as a failure.”

Make it a good day.

–Louis–

I arrived home Sunday night to find a challenging e-mail waiting for me. It was from an education major at a northwestern university, who had been reading my stuff on the website. It was the first time she had contacted me. But, what a first time. She threw a gauntlet down at my virtual feet. “How do you really think about teaching?” she asked.

Not, “what,” but “how.” Great challenge!! She’s got me brooding about it these past few days.

“How do you really think about teaching?” It is important question, you know. How do I think about teaching? Maybe “dream” is a better word than “think.” That’s for another time. Anyway, how? Intuitively. Meditatively. Secretly. Privately. Silently. When I am walking; when I am flying alone to or from a workshop, address, or conference; when I am silently driving with my angelic Susan sleeping in the seat next to me; when I am quietly sipping a pre-dawn cup of coffee or early dusk glass of wine by the fish pond.

It’s those swim deep “below the waterline” moments when I am most open to myself and most closed to others. I have to watch out for those little, unnoticed whispers to myself about teaching–or anything else in life for that matter. I have thousands upon thousands upon thousands of thoughts each day. The most important are not the surrogate quotes pasted on my office door or written each day on the blackboard as the guiding “words of the day” or exchanged during e-mail and on-campus discussions, or even a shared Random Thought.

No, the most revealing one are the most hidden, the unmasked ones, the unguarded one, the ones I privately say to myself where no one can hear, those silent, free-roaming, soul-storming exposures, uncensored by logic or criticism or judgement. The ones that let the whole sense of the situation speak are especially important. More so are the ones that generate an intuitive response. Even more are so the ones that trigger a dialogue with myself. They are all so very important; they are sidewalk peepholes into the goings-on in my soul. Like it or not, conscious or otherwise, they are the true source of an essential chain reaction that emerges from the private to the public, from thought to action. They are my true attitudes; and, my attitudes will determine my actions; and, my actions will determine my habits; and, my habits will determine my character; and, my character will determine my relationships.

The real questions should be “Do I learned to listen and listen to what is splashing around inside?” Do I not just hear, but listen to what I am really saying. Do I not just look, but have learned to and see what is really there inside me? Do I smell and feel whatever is in these depths. Do I take in? Do I follow Saint Francis’ petition to understand what must be dealt with? Do I accept?

My authenticity is not, however, when I withdraw; it is when I deliberately brave the return with my inner voice. It is when I dare to open my closedness. It is when I speak and act “above the waterline” from “below the waterline.”

Some would say that is impolitic or impulsive, or impetuous, or just plain impish. I find most students don’t think so. They don’t want snappy proclamations or tailored conversations or guarded statements too often handed out on a dish like some PR release for public consumption, They and a lot of others most crave and most appreciate, when, to quote Popeye, the Sailorman, “youse gets what youse sees,” as I find the daring, strength, and courage to let go, to be public with these private whispers, to let them be an open secret, to be honest, to be sincere, to be real.

And it has taken me many a struggling year during many a private and often not very comfortable discussion with myself on many a flight, drive, sitting, and walk to get this far on the journey.

Make it a good day.

–Louis–

Just had an interesting phone call at my home.

It started, “Hey, Dr. Schmier. This is Mandy. Remember me?”

“Sure. What’s up that you’re calling me this early at my house? Something wrong.”

“Yeah. Sorry to call this early. I have to talk with someone. And, you were the first one to come to mind. You don’t mind, do you?”

“No. That’s what I’m here for. I’m listening.”

Mandy was student whom I haven’t seen in several years and had just ended her first year of teaching in the public schools. She just wanted to talk with somebody.

She was, to put it briefly, a tortured concoction of proverbial agony and ecstasy, of expectation and frustration, of smiles and tears, of excitement and disappointment. She talked about the students, parents, fellow-teachers, principals, vice-principals, paper-work, standardized tests, and on and on and on. Her voice continued to rise and fall like a stormy wave.

“This….wasn’t….what….I….expected,” she moaned with a near scream. I could feel her sense of uselessness, impotence, almost defeat that seemed to border on an anger. “My ed teachers with all their theories and books didn’t prepare me for the real world of teaching. I thought I was a professional and I feel that I am treated as an amateur by everybody. No one seems to really care, I mean really care, about the kids. All they care about is their jobs, their image, test scores and grades and forms and all that crap. Remember the Popeye ‘words of the day’ you put on the blackboard? ‘Youse gets out whats you puts in?’ Well, everybody ‘wants out’ and nobody seems to ‘wants to puts in'”

Mandy seemed to be an incarnate echo an op-ed piece I read the other day in the WASHINGTON POST by Vartan Gregorian, President of the Carnegie Corporation.

“Everybody? Nobody? They? Does that include yourself?

She hesitated and then sighed. “Honestly, I don’t know now. I don’t know if this is what I want.”

“What do you want?

“I want to be a good teacher. I want to make a difference.”

“Then be one and do it.”

“It’s so hard.”

“Of course it’s hard.”

And we talked.

“What should I do. That’s why I called. Tell me what to do.”

“You know better than to ask me that. You want advice: Remember THE CHAIR. Listen. Mandy, I really can’t tell you what to do. Only you can do that,” I answered with a non-answer. “Understand this: it’s not a question of if it’s going to be hard or if you’re going to have problems. The question is how are you going to deal with them; how are you going to perceive them and respond to them. That’s what makes the real difference among people, not the problems but their responses. If I have learned anything in the past decade as I struggled to become a teacher, it is one thing: there are no realities in the classroom; there are only perceptions. And, those perceptions are your reality. Whatever you want to see in yourself and around you, you will see….and you will fight to believe….and you will struggle to be….you will look those “it’s hards” or “it’s not fairs” or the “why mes” in the eye and you will go out there and make it happen for yourself. Remember what Popeye the Sailorman said, “Youse gets out whats youse puts in.”

I could almost hear her smile. And, she talked some more, a lot more.

“Thanks,” she said, “Can I call again?”

“Sure. Any time.”

Make it a good day.

–Louis–